Spiritual Shipwreck

From my post yesterday you probably realized that I was going through something. I will try to put to words what was going on.

Yesterday morning I locked my door and sat down at the computer to check e-mail and read a few blogs. My few moments of peace and quiet before the students arrive. It was in this 30 minutes that God opened my eyes, broke my heart, and then ministered to my soul.

I stumbled across(and by stumbled across, I mean God put it right in front of me so I would trip over it and take notice) a blog post from 5 years ago about the death of Sarah Grace’s grandma that had been written by one of her cousins. As I read it something started to change inside. Something subtle about how I was feeling. I didn't know what exactly it was or how to explain it. I then went over to a blog that Sarah Grace and I read titled A Holy Experience, which is written by Ann Voskamp. She recently went on a Mission Trip to Guatemala with Compassion International. As I read her words and looked at her pictures from the trip I paused. The faces were somewhat familiar. Their smiles and their tears were familiar. The pictures from the mission trip I went on to Honduras are pictures filled with the same smiles and tears. Pictures filled with the same poverty.

I started thinking about Mario, who owned the little restaurant across the street from the school where we would go get cokes after working all day. I thought about his smile and the time I sat outside of his restaurant drinking a coke after a long day of work and trying to use my 25 words of broken Spanish to actually have a real conversation with this man. This is the same man who on another trip down there caught up with us after we attended a worship service at his church. He came to me, because he recognized me and hoped I could convey the message that he was trying to give. Unfortunately I was unable to translate what he was saying. Finally one of the youth picked up on one of his words. The word was “cantar” which means to sing. He wanted us to tell Jeff Phillips that he sings beautifully. He didn’t understand the words that Jeff was singing, but he understood that Jeff was singing with all of his heart to the God that they both loved, and it was a beautiful sound.

As I thought of those moments during those trips and I remembered their smiles, I cried. I didn't know exactly why. Maybe it was for Mario, maybe it was for us, and maybe it was because I just wanted to be with my family at that moment. I think it was all of these, paired with wanting something different. Something different for us, something different for Mario, something different for the world, and something better for God. In the silence and tears I sat pondering the brokenness and fallen state of our world. I thought about that this is not what God intended. He intended a paradise for all of his creation, but that is not possible because of our sin. So we are left with this world that is full of brokenness, hurt, illness, poverty, and sin, instead of what God planned for us. I wasn’t really hurting I just think God was breaking my heart and sharing His about the world that we live in.

After God opened my eyes it was then that He ministered to me. Later in the morning, Jared Wilson posted a blog titled A Thick, Thick Heaven. The post was a reminder about how much better Heaven is than Earth. It was beautiful. It was just what I needed to see after spending so much of my morning thinking about our broken world. God wanted to remind me that there is something better, far better, than I can even imagine. This post soothed my soul. It provided medicine and bandages to my wounds.

That afternoon as my conference period was starting I came across a post that was a tribute to Rich Mullins. The author ended the post with all of the lyrics from the song, If I Stand. When I pulled up the video on youtube, I wept as I saw Rich singing the lyrics to that song. It was as if God had been sitting beside me all day. I know God is with us all day, but I felt like he pulled up a chair beside me and said

1. Look at the brokenness of this world. Hate it. Want something better!
2. Remember that Heaven is better than anything this world has.
3. Fight the brokenness of the world for as long as you can but know
that there is more.
4. Always long for Heaven.

It was the first time in a long time that I was a spiritual wreck, but when the day was over I felt closer to the heart of God. My request for prayers is still open. I now know what I want you to pray for. Pray that these things are not quickly forgotten. Pray that I will keep my eyes open for God’s will on this Earth while longing for Heaven.